


Collection of Personal Writing

by rioncytn



Category: N/A - Fandom
Genre: Other
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-17
Updated: 2020-09-13
Packaged: 2021-03-04 18:42:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 25
Words: 5,674
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25331089
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rioncytn/pseuds/rioncytn
Summary: A collection of writing that I've done, whether to calm myself or so, anyhow, they are really random? Here they are, I'm dumping my thought here.
Kudos: 1





	1. April

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> April, oh April rain. Just how the memory rings.

The never-ending showers of April silently waved goodbye to what was once, then smiled to what was after. The drops came down like beats of soft drum, hitting each and every petal, every leaf so gently like cold fingertips to a fractured glass, to skin that you familiarized with yet still left forgotten; like the first time you learnt that, although the heart was so delicately connected by such intricate mazes of veins, was pierced through so easily, so thoroughly. And it was in that April that you learnt heartbreak, everything changed.


	2. Moon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I talked to the moon tonight, she said she loved me.

The moon said, on the fifth floor, third window to the right, there lived a girl who was awfully lovesick. Every night, her thoughts crawls out of the window, slowly, slowly making it to the gloom, night sky. The moon long learnt to observe that girl. The mood once told me, that girl murmurs one person’s name, repeatedly, over, and over. The moon said, the girl looks into the mirror, hoping to see the lover who endlessly twirls in her mind, reflecting in her orbs. The moon said the girl’s train of thoughts were one of a love song, cheesy, cluttered, yet romantic; it was as if every lyric was a puzzle piece, fitting each and every reason – every excuse – to fall in love. 

The moon once said, that girl loved you. 

I don’t know how she knows my name; I told the moon.


	3. Delusional

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Even if the world was upside down, if I had you, darling, it'll be okay. 
> 
> But I do not.

Once, I had a dream,  
The cats woofed, and the dogs meowed,  
Busy streets blared in silence,   
cars replaced by horses on carousels,  
The world spun and spun and spun  
Until you held my hand,   
And everything was okay. 

When I woke,   
The dogs barked, and the cats meowed,   
The busy streets bustled with liveliness,   
Cars, buses, trains fully functional   
No horses, no carousel,   
No fairytales,  
None of your warmth.

If that was a dream,   
It was a bit too cruel.


	4. Galaxies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When you cry, my stars stop shining.

I. Her.   
She, who has the galaxies enclosing on her,  
Walks on the sidelines of the sea,   
A place where the sky, the ocean, and the lands meet.   
She, listens to the ocean's currents,  
Watches how the waves splash onto the golden sand,  
And disappears into seafoam.   
She cries, for the bubbles that haven't yet escaped,   
For the voices, the letters that hasn't been delivered.   
Yet, she sits on the sidelines of the ocean,   
Alone.   
She, who thought about him,   
And they could,   
Never align. 

II. Him.   
He, who has the thoughts that guide the stars to heaven   
He, who has the voice of an angel,   
That reaches across skies, across seas.   
(But not to her.)  
He, who watches the waves,   
(And her.)  
The blueness, how it blends together in perfect harmony,   
It tugs the red string tied to his heart.   
Knowing that all he could do was to watch,  
Because he could be anything,  
Anyone,   
Have everything in this world,   
Except   
Her. 

III. They.   
They, as if they were made for each other,   
If one without the other,  
None would shine just as bright,  
As if  
She was a flower without leaves,   
Or   
He was a star without the darkness. 

Even though,   
After all,   
They will not,   
and cannot   
Be with one and another. 

They wilt,   
They melt,   
Into a paddle of drought. 

There is nothing left,   
But the voice of a tiny star,   
The desperation, the sorrow. 

And even at the end,   
They faded away,   
Shattered into a million pieces   
Of light  
That no one can see  
Or touch   
Anymore.


	5. Unsent Letters, Part I

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Have you ever considered letters that were never sent?

I. Letter to Alice

To my, dear, dearest Alice:   
Alice, how have you been?   
I still remember everything about you so vividly, do you still remember me from that obscure dream of yours?   
Ever since you left, you never came back. I had always been hoping that you would return, to come and visit us sometimes, not in a dream.   
Our kingdom is still crazy as ever, waiting to be saved from your hands - it's s shame, you haven't been here, for a long, long time.   
Even as I say that, I still don't want you to put yourself in danger. Last time, the Queen of Hearts almost went "off with your head"! Haha! 

I know, that you don't belong here. 

But, I've always, always wanted to see you again. 

Even though it is a selfish wish, but Alice, you'll grant it for me, won't you? 

I miss you, so, so, so much. 

So does everyone else! We're all waiting for you to come back. 

So Alice, please come back. 

Once again, come to Wonderland.   
I beg of you. 

Sincerely,   
With the passing of TIme,   
White Rabbit.


	6. Unsent Letters, Part II

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Have you considered letters that were never sent?

To Little Red Riding Hood: 

Dear Little Red Riding Hood:   
Hello, I am a grey wolf that resides near your grandma's house, I've heard about you for a long while now, but I never had the chance to meet you.   
I heard that you'll visit your grandma soon, is that true?   
I would really like to meet you if you don't mind so.   
If possible, I'd like to take you to see the wildflowers that bloom beautifully on the sidewalks; if you don't see them on your visit, that'll be such a shame. Of course, if you wish, you could also pick some for your grandma, and do send my greetings to her. 

I'd like to ask, do you remember saving a young wolf in your childhood? If you do, that makes me so, so, so happy. Because I was that wolf. If you hadn't saved me that day, maybe I wouldn't be standing here, in this world, anymore. 

I've never written a letter before, nor can I express my gratitudes correctly, but I'll be waiting for you in near the bushes of wildflowers. 

Because I'm not sure what time, which day you'll come by specifically, so I'll be always, always waiting. 

Please do come by. 

With gratitude,  
Wanting to become friends,   
Big Grey Wolf.


	7. Unsent Letters, Part III

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Perhaps with this letter, these feelings could've been reached earlier.

Letter for Her: 

To Her:   
It's your existence that made the stars shine,  
Your smile that lightened up my world,  
I would like to be your sun,  
I would like to bring you out of the darkness in the times of need,  
Clear blue skies,  
The vast universe,  
If it was possible, I'd give it all to you.  
But then the skies turned  
Into a burning fire, crimson red  
And suddenly I realised I had lost you.  
I, who had a wilted flower in my chest,  
Was a plant with no water,  
Begging to be loved.  
I will never the sun,  
Because you were the source of my light,  
I am merely a moon,  
Who was worthless without your existence.  
I am the dim, colourless moon,  
The only thing that I could do,  
Was to helplessly watch you walk further,  
And further away from me.


	8. Unsent Letters, Part IV

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Perhaps with this letter, these feelings could've been reached earlier.

Letter for Him. 

To Him:   
Raindrops are clouds, and clouds are raindrops.  
For there are no clouds, there would be no raindrops;  
For there are no raindrops, there would be no clouds.  
You were my cloud, yet I wasn't your raindrop.  
Without you,  
I had no means of existence.  
My tears fall as if they were raindrops hitting the hard concrete,  
A cry from the distance,  
It was a love song that had been lost centuries ago,  
But I could never  
Take back what I had lost.  
If on that day, I had lent you a helping hand,  
Perhaps today you'd still be by my side.  
Time slips away ruthlessly,  
But I won't be able to hear your clear laugh,  
To see you waving in the distance,  
To feel your warm hands in mine.  
I, who have nothing but memories of you,  
Was a small raindrop filled with sorrow.  
You took my love with you,  
And I was emotionless,  
I fall from the dark, grey sky,   
Bouncing off from a red umbrella,  
Of which reminded me of you.


	9. Unsent Letters, Part V

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If these letters deliver one day, may they make a difference to those preset tragic endings.

To unheard pianoists,   
To unknown artists,   
To fairytales,   
To you,  
To me,   
To that bottle that still floats in the sea: 

Although we are but insignificant beings  
Amongst the vast, vast universe,  
Although we are nothing,   
As trivial as a stardust,   
As inconspicuous as air,   
We may,   
Have not the ability   
To change the world,  
Nor the will  
To pursue forward. 

But here we are,  
Standing still. 

So for one,   
Surely we cannot change the past,  
But there are still paths forward. 

Unsent letters, what not,   
The endings cannot be changed,   
Tragedy, comedy,   
Nothing bears to the hands of a mortal. 

If one day our musics are heard,  
Our arts are seen,   
Fairytales are ought to end,   
And so are you and me.   
If that be the case,   
Then allow this empty bottle   
To open to you,   
Your personal worth. 

Sincerely,  
From, A Nobody.


	10. Wonderland

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We're all mad here.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: BLOOD, GORE(?)

She peeked inside the golden keyhole, it was dusty, but you'd be able to see its shine once you brush the aging dust away. Inside that keyhole, was magic.

It was never like anything she has seen before, the trees danced to the wind, making a pathway as if they were welcoming a visitor. The pathway would've been plain dirt, but it looked like chocolate, a sweet, dreamy swirl with scents of temptation. What she had her emerald eyes on, though, was the White rabbit. The rabbit sits in front of the opened pathway, his eyes locked on to hers. Perhaps it was his eyes that made her so tempted. These blood-red eyes, eyes that makes her feel nausea, yet so intrigued.

"Alice, where are you, sweetheart? " A voice called out, she sighed, she knew it was her father.

"Just in the garden, Dad. "

He stepped in, his eyes were auburn, although it may look lighter through the glasses he was wearing, he has a tall figure, but he was gentle, "Are you looking through the keyhole again? "

Alice nodded, "There's a white rabbit there, Dad. "

He looked stunned, "A white rabbit? Let me see. "

Alice's father leaned in and peeked through the keyhole, "Hmm, Alice, there's nothing there-" before he could finish his sentence, he jumped back. His face was blue, and his eyes widened. It was 'fear', written all over his face.

"Dad...? " Alice rushed next to her father, "Are you alright? Dad? "

He looked at her in the eyes as he cleared his throat, "Alice, " his voice trembled, fear crawled over his entire body, "Stay away from that keyhole. "

Curiosity kills the cat, perhaps it was her father's favourite saying, because he kept on repeating it. After that day, her life was never the same again. Alice's father locked up the garden with a chain of locks, no matter how much Alice tried to convince her father to let her in, he rejected her.

However, curiosity does kill the cat, Alice sneaked into her father's bedroom one night and stole the keys to unlock the garden.

That night, Alice heard voices, voices that sounded so familiar, yet she thought she had never heard of before. Word fragments, whispers.

'Come, Alice, come with us. '

'Come to Wonderland, Alice. '

'It's so, so fun here, come and play with us! '

That night, Alice smelt the fresh smell of the bakery, the melting of her favourite chocolate, roses, gardens, all of which things she had always loved.

That night, Alice saw them. Fairies circling her, leading her towards the garden where the golden lock shined.

She saw castles made of sweet ponds of juices, heart balloons, it was a kingdom of joy and love.

A place that she always wanted to be in.

The garden unlocked, the chain of locks fell on the floor, as if they were an abandoned part of a puzzle piece.

Alice smiled, she peeked in the golden lock that she has always loved.

Inside, was definitely not what she had wanted to see. It reeked of blood, the trees, swayed to the rhythms of the death parade, the pathway led crimson liquids as if there was a fountain - and the rabbit, the white rabbit.

He was sitting at the entrance, grinning.

Alice recognises the look in his eyes, it was bloodthirsty.

Whispers turned into screams, Alice jumped back, but she was too late. Hands, hands of red, hands that reek that single metallic smell extends from the key lock and grabbed her. She screamed, tears rolled down from her eyes and fell like a waterfall.

"Alice, we're lonely, won't you play with us, won't you be our queen? "

She sits on the throne with a grim smile, her eyes - red. A domination crown with a heart-shaped patterned dress showed her royalty and power, she was the Queen of Hearts in a Twisted Wonderland.


	11. Alive

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It is only when we touch, that I feel the boil of my blood. Hold me, I beg.

You hold my hands and suddenly I was alive, it was a feeling I had never felt before; yet somehow, somewhere, nostalgia… It was a feeling that I had always longed for, that I had always wanted to feel – to be alive, to be alive, to be alive. What did it mean to be alive, anyway? I had never felt this way until our finger intertwines together and I could hear the sound of your heartbeat. And at the moment I had realised that our heart, is a precise machine that beats

at every emotion that is transferred through the veins,

it is music,

it is glass.

My heart shatters when you touch me, yet it enlightens, it beats in joy, in the sound of the broken glass. I am no longer able to tell if I am broken or not; but I am alive, I am alive, I am alive. This feeling – this foreign yet familiar feeling you had given me is addictive, I long for it day and night, I beg and beg and beg but there are no responses. Perhaps you had forgotten who I am but I will never, ever forget your existence because you are

a form of art

that I could stare for hours and hours

then realise you were nothing

but a liar.

One who lied to me, one who played my heart like an instrument, you play these of the most painful, yet most beautiful melodies; it is my veins that are in your hands, not these strings; and I cry out because of pain but you do not, do not, do not hear me at all. But even after all that, even after you shatter my heart and play my heart like it was nothing, like it was none but a toy, I still, and always will long for your touch. Because it is essential to me, it is a part of me, a part that

I wish I could not need,

that I could erase easily,

but the scars you have caused

are not of these by pencil

but by a knife.

It carves a mark onto my heart and I cannot, cannot, cannot erase it, or heal myself. My self-healing system automatically shuts down when you are around because it is you who had made my heart to move once again, and without you I am nothing, nothing, nothing. You are the one that I treasure and long for but I am not the one you need, so you leave me behind as if I was none but a piece of trash you left behind, and I am nothing, nothing, nothing to begin with but you gave me life. And I finally knew what it felt like to be alive but when you leave I am a puppet once again. How greedy of me, to want more and more and more. To beg you to not to leave me behind.

Because I can never forget that feeling of being alive. And I need, need, need you.

I want to be, I want to feel alive.


	12. Lie

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Who's the liar now?

The sky darkens and my world collapses under my feet, I fall and fall and fall, into an abyss. It is a dark, dark, dark place and I cannot see. It is not only love that makes you blind but also hatred, the want, the need for revenge, these darkest secrets that you try so hard to hide but you are unable to because you cannot bear the guilt upon your shoulder. Sometimes it better to be blind, blind to the lies that the others tell, blind to these fake people, this fake world. But we always want to see, we want to see how the world is shining even under this dark shadow, we want to see these fake people in this fake world; we want to be loved, to be praised, to know that we are worth something. It is because of that we are nothing but puppets. This fragile, fake puppet show that won’t end because no one cares enough to break the glass. We’re too fragile, too scared to break, too scared to have our eyes blind. Even if it was lies, lies, lies, and nothing but lies and liars surrounding us; we want to hear these lies, we want to hear these fake words from these fake people because we find it essential. Perhaps if one day we all wake up and stopped pretending to each other the world might become a better place, but perhaps by then all the flowers would’ve wilted and the skies would turn to grey, the ocean would be the darkness that’s dragging us down, and all we would do is drown, drown and drown in these gloomy waves.


	13. Coffee

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An addiction to sweets - oh, but it is just an illusion.

You pour hot water into your cup filled with coffee powder; but you did not add milk, nor sugar. You’ve never had anything except for black coffee, because the others were too sweet, they were none but a fantasy. The sweetness leads you to a world which all dreams and desires come true, but you do not and will not believe in it, so you drown in the bitterness to keep you awake, to be reminded of this world’s true surface. You do not need the coffee to keep you awake, though, it was never hard for you to stay awake, and there was just so much, so much on your mind, things that could never be digested properly. Falling asleep was hard for you, though, you could just stare into the darkness in the room the light switched off for an entire night. You could feel your eyelids closing up but no, you start to hear the whisperings, the footsteps, the clock ticking, even the sound of your own heartbeat terrifies you. There was no way you could fall asleep under the crashing of these sounds. The coffee, though, was essential for you, it was a pleasure of sorts, and it gave you a taste of true bitterness in this world, again, a reminder of what it is like to live in his world. The sweetness was nothing but a lie and you cannot, cannot, cannot stand it because of how fake it tastes.

As the milk and sugar dissolves into the cup of coffee, a silver spoon mixes slowly, the dark, dark colour changes and becomes one with the milk, silky, smooth colour of light brown. You take a sip, there is no resistance against the milk and sugar anymore, and it is an escape from reality.


	14. Habits

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I don't recall my own habits, but I know of yours.

Your eyes are red from crying, or perhaps a lack of sleep; you look down, avoiding eye contact and fiddle with your fingers as you talk; your smiles are awkward, your lips curl upwards in an unnatural angle but you say that you are okay, that you are alright, that you are fine, fine, just fine. But you are not. Your eyes would shine like stars while talking about the things you love; you maintain eye contact during all conversations because it is polite; you play with your fingers and twirl your hair when you smile, and your smile was the brightest, brightest light in this universe. Of these are your habits when you are at your best, of which you are not. Please do not say that you are fine because I can see the bruises on your heart, I can see that you are in pain, screaming for help but cannot, cannot, cannot express in words. I wish you would put more trust on me as if I was a part of you like how you are a part of me. You are all that’s important to me and I wish all the best for you but you do not, do not, do not tell me anything. You endure the pain but so do I, I put my hand on your shoulder and asks if you are alright, you still answer fine. You despise lying, you’re a bad liar, your voice is trembling, perhaps it hadn’t been obvious enough for anyone else but it is for me. Your voice shakes and my heart shakes, it trembles to your soft voice and falls into a black-hole. Stop lying, I beg of you, but you won’t listen and continues to lie.


	15. Alice

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The choice is yours, Alice; did you want a sweet dream, or a nightmare?

You fall down the rabbit hole but you do not find yourself in wonderland. You are lost in a maze which will decide your fate; you were too afraid to choose so you stay right where you are and do not progress at all. The Mad Hatter awaits you in his tea party and the Red Queen wishes to invite you to her castle for a visit; the White Rabbit wants you to be his friend and the Cheshire Cat thinks you’re the only one that is sane. But you were afraid, you were too afraid to move a single inch. The Mad Hatter does not have the patience to play your games, but he still awaits, perhaps a good lecture would make you realise, the consequence of being late to his tea party. The Red Queen had always been short-tempered, perhaps her castle wasn’t good for you, and perhaps you didn’t want to see her at all; anyhow, she still awaits you, perhaps a little punishment would teach you some manners. The White Rabbit is running out of time, he wants to check up on you but was too afraid to be late to the party, too afraid that he’d be punished, too afraid that he’d never see you again, so he ran pass you and waits for you to catch up. The Cheshire Cat never expects an arrival from you, but perhaps if you had visited, he’d be quite joyful. However you did not move, you were too scared that your choices will impact your fate, scared that whatever you choose you will be lost in the dark, alone. The Mad Hatter could not wait longer, he has started his tea party without you, he swore that he’d poison you if you were in his sight; the Red Queen was in rage, how disrespectful of you, she screamed, to not visit her for so long, she’d cut off your head if she sees you; the White Rabbit saw the Mad Hatter and the Red Queen in rage, he ran back to you to check on your safety, but you were gone, disappeared. Your curiosity lures you in and you follow the trails of the Cheshire Cat, he grins at you, such a sly smile, you told him, but he just laughed and ran away. You finally decided that it was time to move onto the future, the White Rabbit rushes to you and tells you about the Hatter and the Queen, you scream in terror but it was too late as the soldiers in red surrounds you. The Red Queen sees you and suddenly her anger is gone, just as she is about to greet you, you scream at the soldiers to let go and that you were not afraid of her. The Red Queen is once again enlightened by rage, humiliation and embarrassment, a challenge in front of all her citizens by none but a human girl who holds no power. Off with her head, the Queen commanded, you scream and suddenly wakes up, it was none but a dream. You take a deep breath and wishes the nightmare wouldn’t come back, little did you know that you could’ve prevented it all, and even your worst nightmare could’ve become the sweetest dreams.


	16. Three Days

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Three days would suffice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: MENTION OF DEATH

if i had only three days to live,  
i would like to thank my parents,  
my friends, and  
everything who i've encountered  
in this lifetime  
for it is you,  
who made my life so beautiful,  
for it is you,  
who allowed me to live  
up to this day.  
you made this world  
so much more beautiful  
than it is.  
and yet still,  
i'd like to apologise  
to everyone.  
sorry that i could not have stayed  
with you all until the end.  
if i die tomorrow,  
i would not have these chances to say  
these words.  
but three days,  
three days.  
i'm afraid if i stay for any longer than that,  
i would be unable to go.  
but i believe,  
the moment my heart stops,  
it will be filled with my memories of you.  
all of you,  
any of you.  
and the moment my heart stops,  
i will be able to smile,  
even in my last second.


	17. Secret

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Little did I know, I wished for a family.

"Mom? " the little girl tilted her head upwards, "Why don't Dad love me anymore? "

The mother patted the young girl on the head and smiled, "Because he has someone else now. You see no longer his only child, and he will love his son more than you. "

The little girl cried, and cried. Still, her father would not return.

Still, her mother would tell her that she was no longer loved by her father.

"But I still love you, and that's enough. " The mother would tell the young girl.

But even as the time passes, the young girl wished that her father would return.

Everyday, the young girl watched the families that looked so, so happy together.

And she wished that it was her.

She wished that her father would hold her hand and that her mother would smile like she used to, she wished that she will have a complete family.

But she never did.

Her father never came back for her.

He tells her that he still loves her, but her other says otherwise.

"Your father doesn't love you, I'm the only one that loves you. "

And each time her mother curses about her father, her heart would bleed a little.

Slowly, she was dying inside.

Neither of her parents knew, and neither did they have to find out.

Why did her parents hate each other? She wondered, she couldn't remember what it felt like to have a complete family. Surely, it would be a bliss.

Why did her brother have to be born? She wondered, it was a selfish thought, but still, she wondered, would her father love her if the son was never born?

She cried and cried and ocean of tears, and searched for an answer that doesn't exist in this world.

"It's okay, " The young girl told her mother, "I have you, that's enough. "

The mother smiled.

The girl couldn't tell anyone, that she wanted a father more than anything else, she wanted a complete family, she wanted to feel like she belonged somewhere.


	18. Photograph

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The memory resides still.

the little girl saw the photo graph on her table and smiled. years later she saw the same photo and tears swirled up in her eyes, knowing that her family was never the same, knowing that it could never be the same again. and yet the frame sat on the table so neatly, so clean, free of dust. she picks up the frame from the table and observes the individuals on the photograph, people that she were so familiar with who felt so far. her mother, her father, and her. one that couldn't understand her, one that was so far away, and one that used to be so naive.


	19. Sun

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The brightest cries the most behind all the light.

he was the sun  
the one that all  
admired and praised.  
he shared his light  
with all the people  
on earth.  
but little did the others know  
his light dims  
everyday.  
perhaps they'd think  
that he's the hero amongst all  
but they'd never think  
that this isn't what he desired.  
but day after day,  
he'd still shine  
because it is what the people desire  
it is what they need.  
even in his last moments,  
even when he falls,  
they'd still think  
that it was beautiful.


	20. Poet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Too beautifully written words can lead to suffocation.

he was a poet  
the kind of a person  
who made anything seem beautiful  
as if  
anyone could be anything  
and anywhere was paradise.

he has those words  
sugar coated  
dipped in layers and layers  
of chocolate and  
vanilla scents;  
as if they had been wrapped  
in colourful wrapping  
ready to be gifted.

and he had me  
wrapped around his fingertips  
as if i was nothing  
but just another piece of paperwork  
so gorgeously held in his hand  
and his words wrapped in me  
trapping me  
with his expressions  
his creativity  
his poems.


	21. Taker

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There is nothing left to take.

he was not only an art  
but an art gallery  
that made her wonder  
all of his mysteries  
and wanted  
more and  
more of him.

but so,  
she knew he  
did not belong to her  
but he had  
already taken her  
heart with him  
on his way out.

she was afraid of pain  
and falling from the sky   
(he took her wings with him)  
and so she thought  
prehaps if she had never seen  
such a beauty  
she would not have  
fallen and hit  
the ground so hard.

but then he held her hand  
and gave her warmth  
the warmth twirls in her palms  
as if laughing  
at such she had none  
was thrown to trash  
then so she thought  
prehaps if she haven't felt  
that warmth of his  
she wouldn't have  
wanted more.

she had taken  
her own eyes  
and her own hands  
just so that he  
wouldn't take it from her  
even so  
he had already taken  
her heart with him.

she left the town  
that she had always loved  
so that he could never  
take any others  
from her  
little did she know  
the moment she had taken  
her eyes and her hands  
she already belonged to him.

she'd still know  
when he's right next to her.


	22. Tomorrow

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There is a day to look forward to, so hang in there a little longer.

The evening sun melted slowly; unlike the shine it radiated earlier in the day, rays that splashed to every window, every door, waking the world had now dimmed, and mended, and faded. The evening sun is the healing, it is the breaking - and all the light meets a shadow somewhat, a darkness, an abyss, a void - for it is the inevitable, for it is the cycle. For the world. For mankind.

Her steps are slowed, every evening when the dusk fell. And as she observed this tangerine canvas, her heart was calmed; despite it all, tomorrow will come, she thought.


	23. Snowflake

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And I, am merely nothing.

On starless nights of December, your hands were the warmth that kept me alive. And in that winter, my heart, at any time, leaped out of my chest and fell right into your palms. It was as if I was that luckiest snowflake that you caught with your gloved fingers. 

And I fell silently. 

And I melted to your warmth.


	24. Her

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If possible, I'd love to meet you again.

The first time I ever met her, she wore a blouse - white like pearls of the ocean - ordinary, but extraordinary; it tucked to her knee-length navy skirt, the creases wired like waves. When her fingertips contacted pages, when her eyes were fixated to words on rusty pages, in that afternoon. I became magnet, attracted by her sea breeze. I became magnet, to that bookstore where we first and last met.


	25. Search

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You're nowhere to be found. 
> 
> And I'm afraid I lost you.

and i searched and searched and searched for a figure that looks like you, but none of them were you. there was none that wore your hair so stupidly like you, there was none with those droopy ears, with that damning smile of yours. there was none that would call me a nickname that was purposefully mistaken, none that would brush fingertips across my skin. 

i never told you, but i longed for your touch. 

the last packet of cigarettes you gave me before i left; that box still sits in my pockets, in the back of my mind. the empty box is the remains of me, it is me when i lost you, your love, your touch. i wished that we were inseparable like the cigarettes to lips, where you were the nicotine i was willing to take in, until my lungs destroyed me inside out, and i held you close until suddenly i gave up myself. suddenly it was the end. suddenly there was nothing hut the rest of the lingering smoke. 

and it is in these places that i remember you. 

it is behind those alleyways that i remember we shared our first kiss, when you tucked my hair behind my ears and told me that you loved me. and you said i was yours, and you were mine. 

it is these lowly played jazz music in my car that reminded me of you, there were days where we sat in the back of the car, in one-night cheap hotels with concealed identities. and only you knew all of me, and only i knew all of you. 

i didn't want to lose you. 

but there was no way i could continue on, living such a life when we vividly knew what we did were wrong. how could we go on like this? how could i go on, without you? 

and how could you, how could you engrave yourself so deeply to my mind, that even if i look away, even when i shut my eyes i am reminded of you? 

and why does the thought of you pain my chest so much? 

how were you so cruel, to have left me like this. 

and i can't forget the last time i saw you. the helplessness. i wasn't able to save you. and you. you and your stupid apology. why was it you that apologised? why was it not me? why couldn't it have been me? 

if only the world would allow us, then i beg of fate to let me love you better.


End file.
